CITY OF JOKES:-31
-:Britney spears funny pic:-
CITY OF JOKES:-30
-:Kinds of SEX:-
There are four kinds of sex :HOUSE SEX - When you are newly married and have sex all over the house in every room.
BEDROOM SEX - After you have been married for a while, you only have sex in the bedroom.
HALL SEX - After you've been married for many, many years you just pass each other in the hall and say "FUCK YOU"
COURTROOM SEX - When your wife and her lawyer fuck you in the divorce court in front of many people for every penny you've got.
CITY OF JOKES:-29
-:My three wishes:-
One morning a woman was walking out of her front door, when she notices a strange little man at the bottom of her garden.
"You're a goblin," she says, "I caught you and you owe me three wishes!". So the goblin replies "OK, you caught me fair and square, what's your first wish?". The woman stops and thinks for a second, "I want a huge mansion to live in.", goblins replies "OK, you've got it.". Woman again thinks it over, "My second wish is a Mercedes." "OK, you've got that too." "My last wish is a million dollars!". The goblin then says "OK, you've got it. But to make your wishes come true you have to have sex all night with me." "OK then, if that's what it takes..."
Next morning the little man wakes the woman up.
"Tell me," says the man, "how old are you?" "I'm 27", she replies
"Fuck me", says the man, "27 and you still believe in goblins"
CITY OF JOKES:-28
-:SQUARING OFF!:-
Santa goes into a very exclusive hotel for a night with a call girl and asks for a room. The manager immediately recognized them for what they are but could not throw them out, instead he decided to be clever.In the morning Santa and the girl came to settle the bill and were surprised to find the amount to be over $3000.
"How's this? We ve only been here one night!" Santa was annoyed.
"So?", said the manager, "this is a very expensive hotel. We have golf courts, tennis course, swimming pools, exercise rooms, bars and restaurants, all this is very expensive to keep up."
"But we didn't use any of these!" explained Santa.
"If you didn't use - that's your problem," came the reply.
"In that case, you owe me $2000. You see, my wife is a call girl who charges $5000 a night, so please settle your bill," said Santa.
"What do you mean?" the manager was taken off guard, "I didn't sleep with your wife!"
"If you didn't use - that's your problem!"
CITY OF JOKES:-27
-:DISEASE:-
"What happened to your feet?" his wife asked.
"I had a childhood disease called Tolio."
"Don't you mean polio?"
"No, tolio, it only affects the toes."
Santa then removed his pants and revealed an awful-looking pair of knees.
"What happened to your knees?" she asked.
"Well, I also had Kneesles."
"Don't you mean measles?"
"No, kneesles, it only affects the knees."
When he removed his shorts, his wife gasped and said, "Don't tell me, you also had Smallcox!"
CITY OF JOKES:-26
SCARING KIDS...
"What's up?" he says.
"I m having a heart attack," cries the woman.
He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he s dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says, "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Balvinder is hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on!"
Our Santa slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, covering on the closet floor.
"You bastard," says Santa, "my wife is having a heart attack and you're running around naked scaring the kids!"
1. If you think a girl is beautiful, she'll always have a boyfriend to confirm that!
2. The nicer she is...the quicker you will be dumped!
3. The more the makeup, worse the looks...
4. "95% of the girls in this world are beautiful. Remaining 5% would always be around you...
5. The guy standing next to a beautiful girl can never be her brother.
6. If by any chance the girl you like, likes you too, she will let you know in about 10 years from now, when you are committed to some one else.
7. The more you ignore a girl, the more she'll want to be friends with you.
8. Theory of relativity...... The more you run towards a hot chick....the more she goes away from you...
9. Rule 1: Even if you got her out alone... just when you are about to let her know about your feelings... she will spot a long lost friend.
Corollary to rule 1: The more desperate you are to tell your feelings to a girl on a private chat, the more probability the long lost friend she discovered is a handsome superman, who beats you in everything 9:1
Axiom 1: The more dedicated you are to the girl, the longer it takes before things work out, but ultimately it will.
10. The day the chick you really like comes and speaks to you will be the day when-
1. You are dressed badly
2. You forgot to brush your teeth for the first time in your life
3. Have a bad hair day
11. All the good girls are either nuns or married the rest go around with you and ruin your money, health and leave you a total wreck.
WHAT IS MARRIAGE a 30 point answer?
1. Marriage is not a word. It's a sentence (a life sentence).
2. Marriage is love. Love is blind. Therefore marriage is an institution for the blind.
3. Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her masters.
4. Marriage is a three-ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring and suffeRING.
5. Married life is full of excitement and frustration: In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.In the third year, they both speak and the NEIGHBOUR listens.
6. Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends.You order what you want, and when you see what the other person has, you wish you had ordered that instead.
7. There was this man who muttered a few words in the church and found himself married. A year later he muttered something in his sleep and found himself divorced.
8. A happy marriage is a matter of giving and taking; the husband gives and the wife takes.
9. Son: How much does it cost to get married, Dad? Father: I don't know son, I'm still paying for it.
10. Son: Is it true Dad? I heard that in ancient China, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her. Father: That happens everywhere, son, EVERYWHERE!
11. Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.
12. They say that when a man holds a woman's hand before marriage, it is love; after marriage it is self-defense.
13. When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a 10-year married man looks happy, we wonder why.
14. There was this lover who said that he would go through hell for her. They got married, and now he is going through HELL.
16. When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
17. Eighty percent of married men cheat in America, the rest cheat in Europe.
18. After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin. They just can't face each other, but they still stay together.
19. Marriage is man and a woman become one. The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
20. Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After the marriage the "Y" becomes silent.
21. I married Miss right; I just didn't know her first name was Always.
22. It's not true that married men live longer than single men, it only seems longer.
1. Marriage is not a word. It's a sentence (a life sentence).
2. Marriage is love. Love is blind. Therefore marriage is an institution for the blind.
3. Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her masters.
4. Marriage is a three-ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring and suffeRING.
5. Married life is full of excitement and frustration: In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.In the third year, they both speak and the NEIGHBOUR listens.
6. Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends.You order what you want, and when you see what the other person has, you wish you had ordered that instead.
7. There was this man who muttered a few words in the church and found himself married. A year later he muttered something in his sleep and found himself divorced.
8. A happy marriage is a matter of giving and taking; the husband gives and the wife takes.
9. Son: How much does it cost to get married, Dad? Father: I don't know son, I'm still paying for it.
10. Son: Is it true Dad? I heard that in ancient China, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her. Father: That happens everywhere, son, EVERYWHERE!
11. Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.
12. They say that when a man holds a woman's hand before marriage, it is love; after marriage it is self-defense.
13. When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a 10-year married man looks happy, we wonder why.
14. There was this lover who said that he would go through hell for her. They got married, and now he is going through HELL.
16. When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
17. Eighty percent of married men cheat in America, the rest cheat in Europe.
18. After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin. They just can't face each other, but they still stay together.
19. Marriage is man and a woman become one. The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
20. Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After the marriage the "Y" becomes silent.
21. I married Miss right; I just didn't know her first name was Always.
22. It's not true that married men live longer than single men, it only seems longer.
-:PROFESSIONS:-
Three guys and a lady were sitting at the bar talking about their professions.The first guy says " I'm a Y.U.P.P.I.E, you know... Young, Urban, Professional, Peaceful, Intelligent, Ecologist."
The second guy says "I'm a D.I.N.K, you know... Double Income, No Kids."
The third guy says, " I'm a R.U.B, you know... Rich, Urban, Biker."
They turn to the woman and ask her, " What are you? "
She replies: " I'm a WIFE, you know...
Wash, Iron, Fuck, Etc."
-:BAR JOKES:-
A duck walks into a bar and says, "Got any bread?"
The barman says, "No, this is a bar, we don't have bread."
So the duck says, "Got any bread?"
The barman says, "No, this is a bar, we don't have bread. I told you that."
"Got any bread?" asks the duck.
"No, we don't sell bread here... and if you say that again i will nail you to the table!!!!"
The duck pauses then says, "Got any nails?"
"No," sighs the barman.
So the duck says..."Got any bread?"
-:VIEW OF GREATEST PERSONALITIES ON "MARRIAGE":-
1. "Keep your eyes wide open before marriage and half shut afterwards."
2. "Marriage isn't a word.....it's a sentence."
-Unknown Authore.
3. "In order to be happy with a man, you must understand him more and love
him a little. To be happy with a women you must love her a lot and not
try to understand her at all." -Unknown Authore.
4. "Many a man in love with a dimple makes the mistake of marrying the
whole girl."
5. "Before marriage a man will lie awake all night thinking about something
you said; after marriage, he'll fall asleep before you finish saying it."
-Helen Roland
-:CINEMA TICKET:-
A man appeared at the box office of a cinema and bought two tickets. A few minutes later he returned and bought two more. When, after a short interval, he appeared a third time and offered to pay for two more, the ticket-seller opened the little door in the glass and spoke up. 'Aren't you the same gentleman who just bought two tickets and two others just a while ago?' she asked, puzzled. 'Yes,' replied Banta Singh plaintively, 'but there's some fool at the gate who keeps tearing them up!'
-:GOLF THINGS THAT SOUNDS DIRTY BUT AREN'T:-
10. Nuts...my shaft is bent.
9. After 18 holes I can barely walk.
8. You really whacked the hell out of that sucker.
7. Look at the size of his putter.
6. Keep your head down and spread your legs a bit more.
5. Mind if I join your threesome?
4. Stand with your back turned and drop it.
3. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip.
2. Nice stroke, but your follow through has a lot to be desired.
1. Hold up...I need to wash my balls first.
-:A LITTLE GIRL WALKING HOME FROM SCHOOL:-
A man pulled up next to a little girl walking home from school and said "If you get in, I'll give you a lollypop." The girl kept walking.
Following along slowly, the man said "Come on and get in the car with me and I'll give you two lolly pops." She kept her eyes on the sidewalk and continued on her way.
The man said "Get in with me and I'll give you this whole bag of lollypops!" Finally, the girl turned and said "Look daddy, YOU bought the Ford, YOU ride in it!!!"
-:GROUP THERAPY SESSION:-
A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with three young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he observed. To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."
He turned to the second mom. "Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."
At this point, the third mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, let's go."
-:FINAL CONTDOWN:-
A man hasn't been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete checkup. Afterward, the doctor comes out with the results. "I'm afraid I have some very bad news," the doctor says. "You're dying, and you don't have much time left."
"Oh, that's terrible!" says the man. "Give it to me straight, Doc. How long have I got?"
"Ten," the doctor says sadly.
"Ten?" the man asks. "Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?"
"Nine..."
-:SON OF A BITCH:-
Priest: "What have you done my child?"
Girl: "I called a man a son of a bitch."
Priest: "Why did you call him a son of a bitch?"
Girl: "Because he touched my hand."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he touches her hand)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call a man a son of a bitch."
Girl: "Then he touched my breast."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he touched her breast)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Girl: "Then he took off my clothes, father."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he takes off her clothes)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Girl: "Then he stuck his you know what into my you know where."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he stuck his you know what into her you know where)
Girl: "YES FATHER, YES FATHER, YES FATHER!!!"
Priest: (after a few minutes): "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Girl: "But father he had AIDS!"
Priest: "THAT SON OF A BITCH!!!"
-:SHORTCUT JOKES:-
1) Father: "Idiot. How dare you scold your mother?"
Son: "Don't feel Jealous, since you can't do that".
2) Old woman : "Doctor I have severe pain in my right leg".
Doctor : "That is due to old age".
Old women : "But both of my legs are of the same age".
Doctor : ?!
3) Teacher : "Why is honesty the best policy?"
Student : "Becase there is hardly any competition".
4) Nurse : "Wake up man"
Patient : "Why what's the matter"
Nurse : "Nothing, I Just forgot to give the prescribed sleeping pills".
5) Teacher : "What is the best way to prevent milk from getting sour?"
Student : " The best way is to leave it in the cow itself."
Student : " The best way is to leave it in the cow itself."
CITY OF JOKES:-3
-:THE TRAINEE:-
A man joins a big corporate empire as a trainee.On his very first day of work, he dials the pantry and shots into the phone-"Get
me a coffee,quickly!"
The voice from the other side responded, "You fool you've dialed the wrong
extension! Do you know who you're talking to, dumbo?"
"No,"replied the trainee.
"Its the CEO of the company, yo fool!"
The trainee shouts back, "And do YOU know who YOU are talking to,you fool?!"
"No."replied the CEO indignantly.
"Good!" replied the trainee, and puts down the phone.
-:SANTA-BANTA:-
SANTA: Wow Banta,Where did you get the cycle, from?BANTA: I was walking on the highway when a beautiful lady came in the cycle and asked me-"want a ride Mr. Singh?" I hoped in, and she took me to the woods. Once in woods she got outside took off clothes and said to me "Mr. Singh. take anything"
Santa is quit excited and asks "What did you do Banta?"
BANTA: I took the cycle.
SANTA: good show - you wouldn't have fit into her clothes!
Here you will find lots of funny jokes updated everyday and with different contents.I wish you will like them to the level of your satisfaction and post your views. You are also welcome to ask for the jokes of your taste and i promise to fulfill your content.So have lots of fun and just enjoy.
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